Last night was the worst night so far. There was much yelling and chaos and a lot of it was due to the way I was communicating. I would react to situations and say things without first thinking about how it would be received. I am very easy going and get along with just about anyone. When I get angry and feel like I have lost control of the situation, I get angry and sarcastic.
After the yelling and arguing settled down, I went to bed and did some reading in a book about Borderline Personality Disorder. Ironically, I had previously left off at the end of chapter 6 and chapter 7 was titled "Life-Changing Communicating Skills". I learned in that chapter that when communicating with a person who has BPD, you should NEVER use the word "but". This is a word that I use often, so I will need to be more conscious of that. I also learned that there is a term called "JADE" which stands for Justify, Argue, Defend(yourself) and Overexplain. These are also things that I do often, so in learning that, I realized that I had escalated the situation last night. I know that we as a family, all need therapy, both individually and as a family. I am not the type of person who can communicate my feelings, that just isn't how I am wired. I am willing to see a therapist to help our family grow closer and communicate better.
I also learned that getting the necessary treatment a family needs when caring for a loved one with a behavioral disorder is extremely difficult and expensive. It's no wonder so many people go without the proper care and in some cases, experience tragedy. This is a very hard road to walk and there are many obstacles that should not be there. I feel that there should be affordable, quality family therapy for people who need it. There should be more access to books, articles and resources for families to get information, especially those who aren't tech savvy and have adequate access to the internet.
Last night, I made my daughter cry and that hurt me deeply. I laid in bed reflecting on my words and attitude. I have done better today, refraining from hurtful words and trying to use the communication tools outlined in the book I am reading. I know I will fail at times, but I also know that I won't give up. I love my family and I will do whatever it takes to make things better.
Lord, please help our family heal. Help us to communicate better and not use words to hurt one another. Lord, help me to control my anger and remain calm in times of chaos. Lord, I need your wisdom and guidance because I can not make this journey without you. Lord, help my daughter to have peace in her mind. Help us to come through this trial a stronger and healthier family. In Jesus name, Amen.